A few weeks ago I turned 50. I was so ambivalent about this birthday, it felt so different than when I turned 40 that I wanted to do something quieter and more relaxed.

A view of rooftops and the ocean in the distance with the Pike Place Market sign and the big ferris wheel lit up at dusk.
View from our hotel upon arriving in Seattle.

We got a big city fix and walked and walked and walked. Luck was in our favor as the weather in the Pacific Northwest was dry both days we were in Seattle. All of that walking and looking around and thinking was good for me. I’ve been a bit worried about what aging will bring, if I’m being honest. Society doesn’t really seem to know what to do with older folks and I still, even at this age, feel like I’m trying to find my place and fit.

The ferris wheel and cranes from the port in the distance with a clear blue sky and water.
Walking along the water on a gorgeous sunny day.

I came home from the trip feeling more settled. The day is an arbitrary day in many ways, I wasn’t really all that different that day than I was the day before, and yet….. I’m leaning into holding onto the things I know will be good for me and no longer doing things that I think will somehow please others. I’m grateful beyond words for G as he continues to make me laugh, support me, and help through the rough spots that inevitably come up in life.

A plate of gnocchi with fresh parmesan on it on a counter with a glass of wine next to it. In the background are racks of wine and liquors.
Birthday dinner of gnocchi at a small french restaurant where we ate at the counter and it was soooooo good.

The one part that felt absolutely right about my birthday is that I was wearing all clothes I made: socks, trousers, t-shirt, and sweater. It was great to feel so comfortable in my clothing and in my own skin. The gift I wanted most was some yarns that I’ve heard a lot about and not knit with yet, and I got them. Making has been how I’ve really figured out a lot of who I am and what I love over the last few years and I don’t expect that to change any time soon.

A pile of skeins of yarn on a wwhite background, blue, rose coral, and gray.
The yarn haul from Shop La Mercerie and Lamb & Kid both on Bainbridge Island.